A complaint that is often heard from children after their separated parents have sorted out their living arrangements is, “Why didn’t anyone listen to what I want?” Given that the parenting arrangements that parents make between themselves have a very significant impact upon the children, it does make some sense to at least consult them as part of the process. Surely the arrangements have more chance at success if children, particularly older children, have some input?
But how does that happen? We don’t want children to be physically in the mediation room with their separated parents. And it is important to strike a delicate balance between taking into account the views of the children without also putting too much pressure on them to be the decision maker. This is where a Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM) can help.
How does it work? Commonly, the first step in the CIM process is an intake discussion between each parent (separately) and the mediator. A child consultant, who is normally a psychologist or counsellor, may also meet with the parents and the mediator. The child consultant then meets with the children without their parents present. Those meetings can involve the full sibling group together and may then involve separate meetings with each of the children. The child consultant speaks to the children about their experiences of the separation and their relationships with both parents, amongst many other things.
After speaking to the children in this informal atmosphere, the child consultant reports back to the parents in a feedback session. A mediation then takes place involving the mediator, both parents and the child consultant in the full knowledge of the comments and views of the children. Every aspect of the CIM is about supporting the capacity of parents and supporting the children’s adjustment to the separation. The parents are equipped with knowledge and there is nothing that cannot be discussed, provided it is done gently and respectfully.
The CIM process enables children to have their voices heard and included in the family mediation process. They are not asked to come up with solutions but are instead asked about their experiences and what their parents could do to make the post separation family work well for them. This, in turn, assists the parents to really focus on their children when they make decisions about their living and care arrangements. The mediator and child consultant help parents to enter into a developmentally sound and appropriate parenting plan.
The ideal parents to participate in CIMs are those who are child focused and have the ability to reflect on what they’re hearing. They are the parents who understand their child has their own experience of the separation and of each parent. CIM helps parents to reflect more and react less, using the structure of mediation to support real change that is good for children.
Child Inclusive Mediation is not an intervention that shirks the tough issues. It requires parents to reflect, to take responsibility and to repair. A recent study conducted in three Australian cities involving scores of children who had participated in CIM found that 98% of them believe the process had been helpful and supportive, and something they would participate in again.
If you feel that Child Inclusive Mediation might be right for your family, contact our experienced and specialist family law mediators: mediate@macarthurmediations.com.au or 0472 737 683.